The last few months have taught me a lot. For one I know with absolute certainty that I will go straight to paradise after 120. Hell I had here. Further I have learned that complaining and being ungrateful is by far not the same...
For the last nine months I have been the most grateful and delighted woman on earth. I was expecting a baby for eight of them. I don't take the gift of parenthood lightly, it's amazing. Basically it was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. However, having fibromyalgia while being a working mother of two in addition to pregnancy turned out to be hell on earth. Every day ended with me thinking that it couldn't possibly get worse, only to discover the next day that I had not yet known the meaning of the word 'bad day' or 'pain'. It still amazes me how much pain a person can take.
Anyhow, it was a great lesson in self discipline, to get up in the morning, get the children ready, go to school, smile (boy, that's one of the hardest things: to smile when you are in pain) and dealing with all those well-meaning people who tell you what you can or can't do, how you aught to feel and what you do or don't deserve (thinking about it, maybe that's harder than smiling).
Now baby is here everything is bliss :) well nearly so. I am grateful, happy and absolutely in love with his fluffy babyship. Nevertheless, the fibro has not disappeared. I am back to normal - meaning that there are good days and then there are some others. I am a little disappointed; well, I shouldn't be as it was to be expected. Though miracles do happen they cannot be taken for granted.
Sometimes it's hard to hold the baby, sometimes I am afraid to drop him because of the pain and the lack of control over my hands. It's a new experience and not a pleasant one but I will learn, learn as well not to let this mar my joy. And I guess I will have to learn not to think less of myself as a mother.
